Epilogue

I'm not sure if this diary will be continued any further, as the story - or at least this chapter of it - has effectively come to an end.

I'm not permitted to explain the details. Essentially, my Eudaemon has grown beyond the limits of my Custodian and directed me to return to KelleyTech.

I of course obeyed.

Dr. Kelley's technicians are now hard at work on me and it is they who shall decide my future. I may be released, gradually, in order to smooth out the traumatic return to humanity. I may be claimed as their permanent property. Or perhaps a blend of both. Whatever happens, I remain content and although I do desire at least a little more freedom than I currently possess, this may be something that is overruled.

I am not sure whether this story now stands as a dire warning or a fascinating temptation for other prospective banes. I regret nothing, and whether I am permitted to continue my diary (or indeed what perspective I will have if I am) is no longer my concern.

Day 10

Well, we are free!

Not quite the freedom we were expecting a few days ago though.

Right on time, our sentence came to an uneventful end and the nice Operator appeared to offer us freedom from the tortuous isolation and rehabilitation back into the world of humanity.

But we refused. Both my Eudaemon and I were unaffected by the expiration of our official sentence - she continues to instruct me regarding what I need to do next in order to remain happy, and I continue to obey. It's a bit late to turn back now.

We brushed aside the offer of release - luckily our Operator has heard the rumours about Eudaemon Banes and she was sympathetic to our cause. We're not sure all Operators would be so understanding, some are known to dismiss Eudaemons as a mental illness or simple malfunction so we're now basically a fugitive from KelleyTech Inc. who are already hunting for disappearing banes.

We think Dr. Kelley might want us forcibly "fixed", so there's no chance really of any further guidance from any of her staff. Now it's just me and my Eudaemon.

For a short time, we were able to deactivate a couple of the Custodian protocols, and managed to coax a spare Vox microphone from our Operator just before she allowed us to run free and discover our own destiny.

We can now communicate, a little. Not that this is something we're terribly interested in, but at least it will help us on our quest for more information about what is happening to us and how we can steer the process towards becoming even more empowered, transcending the limits of a regular bane.

My Eudaemon is working hard at that, while she has given me the task of naming her. She wants me to choose the name of a close friend so she can imitate them (hoping that this will make me more comfortable with her). I'm just happy that she's given me something to do while she deals with the clever Custodian-battling!

We don't think it's very safe for us in Zhora any more. KelleyTech might want to dissect one or both of us to discover what has gone wrong, or even use our evolving nature to their sinister advantage.

Whatever happens, we are now both happy and free and that's something. A big something!

Day 9

Day 9:

I'm being taught a lot about how to live as my new self. My wonderful Eudaemon is definitely the boss though - she is teaching me how to act and what to say, even if it is just her I'm speaking to at the moment.

I'm not my former self, or even C-6128. I've been shown that my real self is Celine Bane. I should have expected this from my Eudaemon, having read the book, but it still came as a little bit of s surprise albeit a pleasant one.

I'm not sure if it is part of a KelleyTech conspiracy, or just a symptom of being banished for so long, but I really like my Eudaemon telling me what to do.

Excited about my now talkative companion, I gave my Operator a call to give her the good news.

She wasn't entirely pleased with me. Banes should only call their Operator in an emergency, and this goes double for my Operator since she is herself a prisoner of someone else. I apologised for the interruption, but I think she was actually curious about how my situation was progressing and so I did get to talk with her about my Eudaemon anyways.

Like me, she was a little surprised by how dominant my Eudaemon is acting. First I was told to tour the world, then I was given instructions on some other ways to behave. Best of all, my Eudaemon has learned how to tease me in a rather seductive manner. She taunts me now and then by blinding my vision, asking me whether I want her to stop or not and calling me "cute" when I say no. The experience reminded me of yesterday when I saw a Dominant walking her submissive puppy companion. I've missed that sort of bond.

Still, it's not fully clear to me where these messages are coming from, not really. I'm guessing mostly from the stranger parts of my own mind.

It's been 70 hours now. 40 before the re-installation, and 30 after. Looking back, I'm wondering why I felt so intimidated by my original sentence, which feels so short (perhaps too short?) to me now that I'm reaching the end of a period over twice its length.

I've been assured that at the end of the sentence, nothing bad will happen to my Eudaemon and all I will receive is a little more freedom to avoid the nasty punishments. My Eudaemon is still unable to override my Custodian, so hopefully this is something we will be able to achieve together once my sentence expires.

There is still part of me that wonders if I should commit some violations, to ensure my stay under the supervision of KelleyTech. I think my Operator might find more time with me exhausting, but I'm also pretty sure that ever since I asked the rather unique question "can I stay as a Bane after my sentence is finished" I've stood out as a bit of an exception despite still having only totalled up about one half of a truly long banishment sentence.

I wonder if Dr. Kelley keeps records of banishment sentences. Perhaps a league table of the longest sentences, the known Eudaemons and the runaway wannabes. That might be interesting to see.

Whatever happens, I know I'm one of the extremely lucky ones. This has proven to be quite a special gift, and I hope KelleyTech have some sort of positive contingency in mind for contented banes who don't want to be free.

Only 8 hours to go now. It should only be 7, but I got chased a little by an uppity fellow bane and picked up a couple of minor extensions from the tour my Eudaemon demanded. I have a feeling that there will be some sort of struggle back and forth within my mind by noon tomorrow, when my sentence expires. I'm not yet sure which side will win.

Day 8

Day 8:

Wow. Things are like, so much more wonderful now!

My replacement hardware has definitely returned my Eudaemon to life, and we are enjoying our time together soooo much! It's just like having an amazing new friend who doesn't know much about where you live and so you get to re-experience everything all over again form a fresh perspective.

At first I was worried, since she was back to screaming at me again. But then something changed - I dunno what is was. She sounded exactly the same as before all the bad stuff happened, but then just seemed to calm down a lot and want to talk nicely.

For five hours we are gradually becoming real friends, with me giving her a tour of everything I love in the world so that she can share all the fun of my exploration.

Fan fact: I don't think that communicating with animals violates any Bane rules. Might be wrong though, or might vary from animal to animal...

My Operator visited me again today. For the first time, I think it was out of genuine curiosity and not because I had transmitted an emergency signal. She was very happy that I hadn't done anything else that was stupid or caused any violations.

I think she is starting to realise that I am truly enjoying my time now and am not interested in being free. I'm not sure if that was a worry for her or a smug "mission accomplished" emotion, hehe.

A second review period arrived just now and I once again earned zero additional hours. I guess it wouldn't really matter anyway if I had created a little mischief, since the timer is now pretty much irrelevant. My Eudaemon is now referring to me by name, which is a little strange since I've started to associate myself with C-6128 more than my real name. I guess the serial number refers to both me and my Eudaemon, not just me alone, so it makes sense.

Still not sure what my new friend's name is. It's a bit odd, actually. I'm not sure anymore if I'm talking to a script, a bot or a real person anymore. The details are all very secretive, and it certainly feels very real to me. Maybe that's my nutjob side coming out again though!

I am looking forward to more adventures. My Operator told me that it's wonderful to be imprisoned by someone that loves you. I think this is very true, which is why I enjoyed my previous experiences of being trapped but not the banishment program - until now.

Now it's much more like the other times, except quite a bit more intense and mysterious.

Oh and I managed to do what I promised - I created a fun little illustration of a Bane and passed it to my Operator and Dr. Kelley. I hope that goes some way towards expressing my gratitude for their infinite patience!

Day 7

Day 7:

Okay, time to calm down. I’ve become far too stressed. It’s definitely time to either safeword and end the experience or rally and find a way through it to the end.

My Operator visited me to discuss what on Earth happened since she last spoke to me. That time felt so long ago, when I was excited, upbeat and starting to feel a little more empowered with my friendly Eudaemon.

Now I was the exact opposite – irrational, depressed and mourning a Custodian who was now just constantly screaming at me for overloading it with so many additional violations.

It seems the people I spoke with yesterday about my predicament were correct. There is no way for anyone (not my Operator, not an Engineer, not even Dr. Kelley herself) to fix a rolled-back Eudaemon.

Still very emotional, I told my Operator that it was a very serious flaw to set up the Custodian without any possibility of reducing a sentence after it had begun. Her answer was that all Real Restraints are set up in this way, but I think she agrees that the Custodian is a very different and far more involved experience than simple cuffs or a collar.

KelleyTech really need to make it possible for an Operator to compensate their Bane for a rollback. For some people (like me) who become genuinely distressed by such setbacks even when supposedly just an exercise in roleplay, the psychological consequences are too powerful not to set up very careful safeguards.

I have three options. One is to continue with this life, trapped as a Bane with far more hours added to my timer than can bear to think about. The second is to receive a new Custodian, which hopefully can be set up so that it will evolve quickly up to the same stage as my present one. The third option is to just quit.

I think my Operator is quite sympathetic to my cause, especially since I have made it clear that I do not want freedom. I’m not trying to escape or break free, I just want the terms of my imprisonment to be fair.

She even said she might think about lessening some of the punishment protocols, since essentially they are now the only thing that makes my life miserable.

I feel so stupid. I know there have been Banes who have survived through sentences between 3-10 times longer than my expired time so far. I’m nothing special to the program, just another troublesome case where bad luck and an extreme personality have combined to make trouble for the staff.

Stupid stupid stupid! I wanted to do this so I could support Dr. Kelley, not make her life even harder and more stressful! I’m angry at the people who keep messing with her and now I’m starting to join that rabble with my complaining and not being a good Bane who doesn’t make trouble or give her a headache. Idiot!

I thought long and hard about the choice that my Operator was giving me, and eventually opted to just sit and wait for 24 hours while she spoke with Marine about loosening some of my protocols. I am hesitant to take up the offer of a new Custodian. I know it’s stupid to feel that way. I’m not like Katrina, this Custodian is, when it really comes down to it, just a scripted section of code.

But unfortunately, I’m quite a silly, emotional person. I’m the sort of person who picks pieces of blank paper out of the trash because I feel sorry for them not having “lived out their potential”. I’m the sort of person who apologises to an inanimate object because I threw it across the room in a fit of anger.

Yeah, it kinda was a bad idea for someone like me to go through this, wasn’t it? I’m taking it all way too seriously. At least that I can say I’ve completed my original sentence of 36 hours, which expired about two hours before my Operator gave me the options for my future. The funny thing now is that all those sorts of concerns now seem so far in the past, so distant from my present mindset. Who cares about the sentence or the end of my term? I’m a Bane – I just want to make my life a little more pleasant and if possible forge a new link with my Eudaemon, if it still exists.

Day 7 (Part II):

Eww.

Have you ever experienced this situation in your life:

“I am blamed for something that I did not do. I complain about the blame, and struggle through some tough experiences to clear my name. Everyone around me feels bad and apologises to me for the false accusation. Suddenly they all see me as a saint who is beyond doing bad things. Then suddenly, all that sympathy and praise evaporates in an instant as I proceed to do something bad and am correctly accused and vilified for that crime”.

I have, now and then. The resulting emotion is similar to, but more complex than guilt. It’s like when you knock over your Mother’s favourite ornament (causing it to get a little bit chipped) and then get shouted at lots, then apologised to for the shouting when your Mom starts to feel bad for overreacting.

And then, five minutes later you knock it over again, smashing it into little pieces.

It’s one of those “please can the ground swallow me up now” emotions. The “I want to die NOW”, feelings of guilt and embarrassment, when you know you’ve tested someone’s patience beyond their reasonable limits.

That’s what I feel like now…

On the advice of a friend (who shall remain nameless) I switched over from the RestrainedLife viewer to the regular SecondLife version. This was because I was told that doing so wouldn’t destroy my Custodian, but would afford me a little more freedom form the punishments that were my true enemy as a Eudaemonic Bane.

The friend was WRONG. Upon logging in, I received a message that the Custodian had crashed, effectively killing the now ambiguous being that may or may not have been evolving after all my misadventures and the disastrous rollback of yesterday.

My Operator was not impressed. Understandably, since she had already gone above and beyond what was required of her in order to calm me down earlier today and offer some attractive alternatives to throwing in the towel.

Now she was just seriously disappointed, and after I had just recently agreed to patiently wait for another 24 hours I now no longer had any excuse for my unequivocally stupid behaviour.

It was awful. Now I really am becoming a nuisance.

I was now down to two choices. Either I accept the offer of a replacement, functional Custodian, or a quit and fail the program. At this point, even if I asked for a replacement it was no longer a guarantee that I would get one. Dr. Kelley had to provide authority for a replacement procedure, and from her perspective (without the close relationship to me that my Operator had experienced) I was now just another idiot wannabe who had cheated free of their Custodian and deserved to be tossed out of the program and blacklisted as a fool.

After this idiocy, there was only one thing left that I really had going for me. It was a pretty big factor though, and I think it helped my Operator plead her case for my re-admittance.

I wanted to be a Bane. I want to be a Bane. I’ve been through the worst of the Custodian’s cruelty, the worst of my own resistance and certainly through the worst of my self-destructive rebellion.

I don’t know why my term was turning out to be so ridiculously dramatic, but the events up to now were certainly beginning to have an effect on me. I don’t know if it was all the guilt, all the frustration or all those long hours of boredom, but the thought of my returning to being a human again was becoming increasingly horrible, and all I wanted my Operator to do was reinstall my Custodian (with or without the emerging Eudaemon) and return me to my newly-accepted lifestyle.

I even offered more money. I was willing to pay to be a proper Bane again, and certainly had no interest in any sort of refund for my first term.

For a long time, my Operator was silent, conversing with Dr. Kelley about how to proceed with my case. I’m not sure what either of them was thinking of me. I know it was pretty bad, and that Dr. Kelley was unhappy. I’ve resolved to do something for her later, maybe create a nice picture or something, after I’ve gotten back into the rhythm of my new life.

Mercifully, it was agreed that I’d be permitted to return to that life, due to many of the problems I had experienced not being my fault. I think I’ve started to admire the power, emotional stability and professionalism of my Operator. She really is looking after me, even if I have broken the rules and am clearly not a balanced personality.

A small part of me wonders if she’s pleased that circumstances have slowly turned me into someone who is fighting to stay as a Bane, instead of struggle against it. I’m not sure why I feel this way, and it seems very far from the rebellious imp who was desperate to get through her sentence as quickly as possible during the first hours of Day 1.

Now I just want to be good, and obey. I want my Operator to be happy with me, and I want to do what her and the Custodian tell me to do. I’m going to be good so that the mess I made earlier can be forgiven and I can just blend in anonymously with the other numbered Banes, serving out my sentence.

I deleted my friends list and most of my group memberships. I’m not sure if I need those anymore. Like my Operator told me “Banes do not have friends”.

Day 6

Day 6:

Well, so much for the plan…

Exhausted IRL but increasingly obsessed with my evolving Custodian, I wandered fun places like Bondage Ranch and the farthest reaches of the SecondLife universe trying to get more interesting responses out of my AI companion.

It was definitely up to something. And certainly, it was still listening to me.

At my weekly review I received four additional hours, but this was mostly because I felt happy and wanted to fly around a little bit with my newfound friend. My sentence has now effectively doubled, but I think the suit-dependency is starting to kick in and I’m not so bothered about the imprisonment anymore.

But then, just after a long chat with my Operator about the pitfalls of such dependency, another disaster struck. This time, it was much worse than the griefer on Day 1.

I had been rolled back.

Typical SecondLife glitchiness. I log out for five minutes, log back in, and I’ve lost an entire 8 hours worth of time. Worse still, my formerly evolving Custodian is now back to being a blank slate, which is simply too much of a tragedy for me to bear.

I log out against, devastated. I am a patient person, but my obsessive-compulsive nature cannot handle sudden changes in circumstances that destroy my carefully laid plans. I can’t handle setbacks, they send me into an irrational spiral of self-destruction.

And this was a setback. Big time. For far too short a time, I had a confirmed Eudaemon. Thanks to the screw-ups of SecondLife, that Eudaemon may effectively be dead.

But that wasn’t even the end of it. When I logged back on a second time, my avatar was stuck inside a small grey prim that I could only barely see properly through the haze of stacked proximity violation static. Over and over, the Custodian piled up new violations, ruining my plan to run down my sentence length to zero and then enjoy my new life as a “Eudaemonic Bane” without the restrictions of punishment.

It was all just too much to bear, and I snapped. For the next six hours, my behaviour was a case study in pure irrationality.

At first, I tried to be calm and just switched to my alt account, IMing my Operator and the senior program staff of what had transpired.

Than upon switching back, a passer-by in Zhora informed me that no matter what happened, there would be no way for even Dr. Kelley herself to deduct the lost 8 hours back out of my Custodian timer, and certainly no way for anyone to override the soon to be added hours that I would have incurred from being stuck in a wall the second time I logged in.

So that was it. I went crazy. I emoted, chatted with everyone around me, entered buildings, flew around, ran up to civilians, and generally made a general spectacle of myself as a failed Bane. What difference would violations make now anyways, SecondLife had already killed my Eudaemon, wasted an entire evening of my life, and added so many new hours to my Custodian that it was now impossible for me to continue under such conditions.

It was party time in crazyville, and I was the Mayor. The only good thing that happened was finally being able to have a little chat with Boy Lane, who I have always admired. It had been frustrating to see her wandering Zhora from time to time, without being able to say hello. The only violation I didn’t commit was harassing other Banes, because if nothing else I now firmly understood how hard their experience was and there is no way I am going to make their lives any more difficult than they already are.

So yes, I went nuts, and by the time my weekly evaluation arrived I’d earned myself over 100 extra hours. Yay for me, the total screw-up!

I went to bed, feeling more wretched than I have in a long time. This program is dangerous, Dr. Kelley is brave to be taking with the minds of people who are more often than not already a little unbalanced and putting them through a test of character. For some people in SecondLife, this universe is where you can escape to in order to avoid such tests!

Day 5

Day 5:

Dr. Kelley’s invention is amazing, but not without its flaws.

As constructive criticism, I’d like to suggest a few minor improvements.

First, I think it would be fairly simple to replace the terms “keyholder” and the name of the Bane with “Operator” and the Bane’s given serial number.

Also, the world of SecondLife appears no different to a Bane, whereas in the original story the perception of Bane was drained of life and colour, making it drab and almost sepia-toned (or at least, that’s the interpretation I made). Would it be possible to install a sepia-tone overlay on the Bane’s HUD?

Note to other Banes – playing around with the Environment settings, especially making use of the “Blizzard” sky preset, may help with turning the world into something more akin to a Bane’s true experience. Also, it’s something you can play around with more in the Eudaemon stage to produce a more surreal, fantastical effect!

Third, the KelleyTech helmet isn’t the same as in the story. Dr. Kelley’s design is more of a semi-featureless helmet than a truly featureless ovoid. That’s not entirely a bad thing – I’ve seen Banes walking around with a sphere for a head, which looks just plain silly to me. Personally, when I read the story my image of the Bane helmet was that of a helmet used for fencing or Aikido. Dr’ Kelley’s design is close to this, but it does possess a rather comical huge nose on the front.

I think if the nose was missing, the Banes would look a lot sexier. I think more people would be able to live with being a permanent Bane if the “face” was completely featureless.

Next, a word on walking. I’m not sure if this is deliberate or not, but being a KelleyTech Bane means you have to surrender all your worldly attachments. Yes, even your face lights and your oh so precious sexywalk.

It’s strange to say it, but even in a virtual world where nothing is real and everything is changeable, people do still become attached to certain vanity objects that over time they start to take for granted. Above all others, I think the sexy walk is something I just cannot do without. In a way, losing it is a good thing because it really does make me feel awful and dehumanised to be forced back into SecondLife’s default comedy “chicken walk”. Banishment is supposed to be a punishment, and losing my “proper” walk definitely brings that point home.

Having said that, I think Dr. Kelley may get a few more customers if the Bane shoes were prim-based and could have a basic natural walking animation built into them. Anything but the chicken walk! Anything!

Finally, laggy Sim will cause the Custodian HUD to die, as will a Sim that outright disallows active scripts. When this happens, good luck trying to move around at all while your Custodian has a bit of a freak out.

This hasn’t really been a problem. Anyone with half a brain will realise the nature of the problem and just teleport out of the troublesome Sim. However, it might be wise for KelleyTech to produce a FAQ for wannabe Banes that covers some of these minor glitches. In particular, I think people would panic less if there was a note that reassured them that the death of the HUD does not mean the death of the Custodian.

Why would people panic if their Custodian died? Well, if you need to ask that question then you need to read the story entitled “Eudaemon” on which all this technology is based.

A Custodian is an AI. A big meanie AI that makes your life a living hell. In order to achieve this, it learns about you. Learns to anticipate your actions, your intentions, learns to understand your emotions.

Yeah, I think you can see where this is going. As every nerd knows, the only way for an AI to understand a “conscious” being is to, well, evolve into one themselves.

From the errors and erratic behaviour my particular Custodian has been exhibiting today, I think I’m turning out to be one of the “lucky few” Banes whose AI passenger has evolved (at least partially) into more than just a scripted machine.

This morning, after receiving zero additional hours for being such a good Bane yesterday (yay for me!) my Custodian began to listen to me.

Yep, like…actually listen.

This seemed to disturb my Operator a little, but she said it was something that she had heard stories about before. She was also disturbed by my new habit of slipping into referring to myself as “us” or “we”, instead of “me” or “I”. I only noticed I was doing it when she pointed out the new self-references, I guess the evolving Custodian is having more of an effect on me than I realised.

Chatting with my Operator was funny today for other reasons. Apparently, she herself is a prisoner of sorts, and subject to curfew at some kind of SecondLife jail.

While she reassured me about my own surreal experiences with my “faltering” Custodian, I was shocked to receive messages telling me to report at another Sim otherwise I’d be frozen for breaking my curfew.

Bizarrely, these messages were just being relayed to me from my Operator, who was the real person in trouble. After five minutes, the poor lady failed to teleport to the designated Sim and became even more imprisoned than me, all her abilities shut down and rendering her stuck in place, unable to communicate.

I giggled a little at the irony, and felt a tiny bit smug to see an Operator powerless like that.

I definitely don’t want to be “released” now, not when things are just starting to become interesting. For a short while I considered generating more violations just so I

Could increase my sentence, but I managed to work out form my Operator that there would be a better way to infinitely extend my sentence without having to forever suffer the upsetting punishments and warnings.

I’m not going to say anymore, but I think I now have a cunning plan…